Im getting really sick & tired of the way things are here at home. Under daily basis im being yelled at that i dont do anything, that i need to learn how to cook & clean.& im left like WHAT THE FUCK?!! I FUCKIN COOK AND CLEAN. Seriously, i dont understand what the fuck more is wanted from me. Does she want me to fuckin feed it to her directly in her mouth and fuckin wash her ass for her too? >_< .....I cook dinner daily for EVERYONE, yet my mother dearest still comes home & idk what the fuck she expects. I clean after i cook & the counter & if Izarra makes a mess somewhere else i go & clean after her. So even after everyone eats & the dishes left over are theirs & the pans that has the food in them are empty, im called to go clean after it. Im going CRAZY

egh

So My bday just past this sunday and it was soo boring it left me thinking about everything in life. I have no complaints about my baby and baby daddy. Sometimes my family get on my bad side because they seem to not care about everything i do for them but egh, i get over it. The thing ive come to realize is that there is one thing that i cant really get over. Not to long ago i hung out with a friend of mine just me, him, and izarra for a couple of hours. IDK if its me who changed who i am or its them that grown up with out me and so thats why were different people now....like idk it was just weird. It wasnt like old times where we would talk forever when we'd go out and thered be no awkward silences... Recently ive been cleaning out my "closet" and found a lot of old pictures with old friends and found letters and drawings and just alotta things i use to do with my friends and i got sad. I came to realized that everyone i used to talk to dont talk to me for a reason, i dunno if its something i did or if its just cuz i have a baby and so out of nowhere no one can talk to me because im a mom. I only have like 3 or 4 real friends who talk to me some what on daily basis and do keep in touch and dont mind hanging out with me, my baby, and BD (baby daddy).......i should say, let alone me. So IDK ive just been quite depressed looking and finding old things. i guess i just miss going out and having fun. Im not saying that i dont like staying home with Izarra 24/7.  Its just itd be nice if i had someone to talk to about anything without being judged or without feeling like if i say something they'll tell someone and everything will still somehow get out.....IDK if you're reading this just ignore it...i just needa vent and ill feel better....i just miss a lot of my old friends....And i am now having that feeling where i feel that i grew up too fast cuz i had a baby. But I DO NOT regret anything ive done in my life. I DO NOT regret having my baby and staying with my fiance.  I LVOE THEM TO DEATH, they are my world...IDK im just sad this week and i hate it. =[

S-U-C-C-E-S-S thats the way you spell Success!! :)

Aug 1

Okay so for like a couple of weeks now my brother has been asking me when are we gonna go out to eat at this awesome chinese food place (Chinese Star). Well we've been poor a good amount of the time, due to saving up for Izarras party, bills and then the car breaking down, then other bills that my parents added as well. So we roughly pay about $550 bucks a month for everything, and thats not even counting gas and needs! So with Frank the only one working its hard for us to buy something we may want, so we have to only stick to our needs, but mostly Izarras needs. Anyway we finally had some money to spare this week due to all the overtime Franks been putting in at work and I told my brother that we might be able to go out this weekend, so the day came and Frank took forever to get ready cuz he was out FINALLY washing his car and cleaning it. So when he finally came inside I yelled at him to go shower cuz Alex and nancy were ready and they were waiting on us. Well when he got out of the shower he saw that i wasnt ready yet, I mean my hair was did and my make-up but i wasnt dressed and i was all like "dude calm down i just put izarra to sleep and all i gotta do is put on my clothes" so i shanged my shirt and was in search for ym pants, well I couldnt find them anywhere, i dug in the hamper of dirty clothes and in the closet and around the room and I couldnt find my damn pants anywhere, Fuckin pants >_< I was getting mad cuz I couldnt find em and we were already running late. So Frank was all like "did you look on my side of the closet" and I was all like "No why would they be there if its not my side!!" I was annoyed and mad so anyways he took the liberty of looking anyway and he found em :) Yay Frank! ^_^ lol i felt bad for yelling at him but i thanked him anyways :) So anyways we went to the food place and ate, then rushed off to the movie place and saw the movie! It was effin awesome. Twas not scary at all but I loved all the gorey stuffs! ahhhhh was so cool =] I was very satisfied ^_^ so then we went to walmart after and Frank got me some new jeans :) lol I didnt say no cuz i knew i needed em :) Its nice to fit into some jeans :) ......i gotta go cuz jasmines rushing me out the door to make pinatas so ttyl bye bye!

Finally have time....

so its been a long while since i last posted a blog so i think its about time to write another one. there has been so many times where i really wanted to blog but unfortunately i have a limited time on the computer. LOL thats right! IZARRA doesn't really let me get on the computer as much as I used to. She wants all my attention or throw a fit and since I love seeing her happy I tend to give up the computer since its not really important. So we've all been good and i'll tell you more rite now..

So recently Izarra turned ONE and we had a birthday party for her of course! It wasn't this huge-o thing with big ass expensive things but I think it was awesome enuff. She and all the other kids loved it, not to mention other ADULTS who said they had a great time. It was very stressful to get everything done and do pretty much everything myself, because most of the things were handmade and personalized and Frank doesn't like doing that kind of stuff so i had him watch Izarra while i worked on things. So our friend ♪Heart@ttack♪ offered to be our photographer for the party and we gladly accepted =] he's pretty awesome with photos and edits. It felt kinda weird though that I wasn't the one taking pics, but we still got awesome pics :) we also had a CAKE of course! and a pinata and relatives and PRESENTS! and uh.......face painting and home-made personalized party favors, and i dont member what else....but ya after all the stress it was well worth it :) SO yea, she's one. it's so weird, like I don't believe it but she's growing and isn't my lil lil newborn baby no more. I still love her but its like AWwwwwww....lol

So Frank is of course still working, same place different pay. He got a raise and he also became a certified fork lift driver. Recently they told him that he was gonna have to be competing with his co-worker for another raise. So hopefully MY Frank gets it (the other guy is named Frank too) But ya im cheering for him whether or not he gets it, I am still proud of him :) yes dear im proud of you! ^_^ Uh another thing about Frank is that he's lost some major weight! Like im not calling him a hardcore fatass but he was quite husky...now he's this skinny bitch with finely toned arms....*drool*.....i loved him as a fatty but im getting used to this skinny bitch =] but his arms i LOVE very much! lol *blushes* ......*sigh* ......Uh...i 4got what i was gonna say....So uh...he still loves us and we love him.

So me.....well whats there to say. I'm still a fatty, jobless and sometimes depressed. Although daily Izarra and Frank make me smile and laugh til i cant breathe. LOL there were many situations where things were bad but i laughed it off because i didnt feel like being mad or sad about our financial situation..lol like my fav was wen frank had got paid and when he came home round 3:30am we were adding up our bills and seeing how much money we'd be left with. Well, he was adding everything and then in the end when he pushed equals it came out to $-10.00 and he was ALL mad and I was HARDCORE laughing and I couldnt breathe. He looked at me all confused at why i was laughing and it took a while (like an hour) for me to be able to tell him why i was laughing, Gosh i thought it was so funny! *sigh* yea...um...we still live here at my moms house in this lil hot room. But now the AC works and it doesnt get so hot anymore so thats something good I guess...Um...We all wake up at 1pm after going to sleep at 4am....uh....sometimes i still argue with my ma but things are good with us rite now..Except that they're going to Pismo manana and I wanna go too but unfortunately we can't cuz were poor and our car is broken..AGAIN. effin car...um....*scratches head* Izarra just woke up from her I guess "nap"....Oh! I cut my hair, i think imma cut it a bit shorter. I wanted to curly it but since i cut it i dont think i'll do it until it grows back as long as it was before. But uh yea, i wanna cut it a bit shorter but im not sure if frank will approve of it. he likes my hair as is, but im still gonna cut it =] well i think thats all for now....oh! I saw this girl i knew and she was all ignoring me...fuckin bitch...you know what i hafta say something else, but ill type it later cuz Izarras kicking me off already TTYL!! Cya!

tired of being home.

im so tired of all this shit at home. WTF. i dont understand why my mom can appreciate things i do for her. She always complains and it still feels like im never gonna be good enough for her to finally accept me for who i am and accept that i do what i can to help her. Here at home it should feel like home, but unfortunately it doesnt. We feel really unwanted here, we don't leave our room because we'll get told stupid shit and we don't eat her food because she'll tell me shit. so i cant wait til we can move out and not be here. 

Whats wrong? :(

so things at home suck alot right now. Everything is just so annoying and i find myself in my room all day everyday. So im really happy when Frank comes home and hangs out with me for a lil bit b4 he gets to sleep. its gives us a chance to talk about our day and talk about some things we need to get done. He makes me feel loved and cared for, since im not feeling that here at home, ya i have izarra but still. Its hard to love someone and give them your heart because you dont know whether or not they'll break it. It took me a while to give mine away again, and when i did i was so happy that i did. I'm not saying that i regret it now, its just that its so hard to love some one who says they love you, but i guess its not enough love . I say that because you find this person who youd think be the last one to hurt you be hurting you daily. He says he loves me yet he cant keep a simple fucking promise to me and he lies to my face. I dunno if i can take this anymore. why the fuck is it so hard to keep a fucking promise to someone you love, let alone be able to lie to their face like if they were a stranger......i love frank but i just wish he'd tell me the truth more often and keep his promises. Now is where i need him the most but he goes and does this and thinks i wont find out about it...WTF. I'm tired of being lied to.......idk what to do, but all i can do is just forget it and not care anymore...i dont give a fuck what he does anymore..he doesnt care about how i feel so why should i..ive told him how i feel when im lied to and when he breaks promises, and he still does it, so now its like whatever. He "cares" but oh well....idk..i miss frank being frank. Himself but idk whats going on. i dont understand whats wrong with me.....yes, i blame myself because if he was satisfied with me then he wouldnt be lying to me.....right?..

Darn Dream

So for a while now i've been having a dream about this girl who i used to be friends with until i dont know what happened and everything went to shit. Yea, my brothers and I used to be mean to her but she used to play the same way with us so it was fair. Anyways everything went to shit and we stopped talking and she started talking about me behind my back. I really didnt care that she did it but i wanted to know what she was saying, I never found out so oh well. So in the dream im with her and she's talking to me. She's telling me that she needs my help because she's going through a hard time and really needs me to be there for her and let the past be the past. So when I wake up i get to thinking, I really do want to apologize for whatever i did wrong because i dont like holding grudges with people and i dont like to be mean to ppl without ever apologizing (if i feel that i need to apologize) And i do feel like it. Maybe she is going through a hard time and maybe she does need someone to help her. I dont care what happened in the past and i want to fix it (be the bigger man, er uh..WOman) and get it over with. So my dilemma is; do i send her a message to meet me on messenger or do i send her a message with my letter of apology?. I can't call her due to me not having her number. I'm pretty sure yall know who i'm talking about....HELP!

Soooo

The weekend went by sooooooo slow! Frank had to work today, he only gets saturdays off so I guess thats good. It's nice to spend some time together for talking, snuggling and smooching! =] I do miss him a lot when he goes to work but I cant say anything because he NEEDS to go to work. We need the money. So I do understand that I will see him daily but hang out with him rarely. So as time goes by I do get the hang of getting everything done on my own and seeing him once in a while. He's only been there for a week but still feels like forever and he hasnt gotten paid! lol i sound greedy but he actually needs the money to fix his stupid car! >_<>_< Ugh damn car! So today it overheated again like right around the corner to our house and he was fricken MAD because he had to go to work in a hour. My brother and him checked out his car and they found  out that one of the pipes were ripped, so with no money and no ride or no time to fix it, they cut it and replaced it. It should work for atleast this week so that way he can buy a new one Friday hopefully when he gets paid. So yea im hungry and Izarras sleeping and Franks at work and mom and dad are at some church thing for some dead guy. I'd make food but im waiting for my mom to come home with the things I need so i can get to cookin. So I'm hungry and my turtle is hungry cuz he's just looking at me and banging on his lil cage dealie for me to look at him and feed him so i gotta go feed him!

WTF!

So last nite we saw "The Uninvited" and "Notorious". Frist off let me say that 'scary' movies don't tend to scare me, unless thay're like hardcore old skool. So the movie uninvited was quite an awesome movie. As we were watching it, I couldn't look away! But I didn't want to keep starin cuz like you feel that something is gonna pop out or something like that so I did get scared a couple of time to where I actually didnt wanna watch the rest of the moive. I ended up still watching it and yep it was a cool one. It was WAY better than "The haunting of molly hartley" Now THAT movie was annoying. So after Uninvited we watched Notorious and It was so so cool. I really loved that movie. So that movie is like MY Twilight. ha ha, anyways uh yea. I would have totally went to spend my money on that movie if I had the money. What I'm saying is that yall should watch em both! In Notorious I cried =[ Stupid Tupac and dumb shit with the West coast and East coast. Ugh poor BigE. 

At the moment I finally have a break and some time to myself. Today we had to go buy some other stuff that we needed that we forgot to pick up yesterday. Then we went to pick up my brother from school and came home. Gus just changed and went to work. Ugh I miss him terribly! By the time I am going to go to sleep he should be coming back from work, so i guess thats a YaY?! but still I miss him =[ Oh today we found the cell I want at Walmart for 50 bucks and I think I'll be getting it Friday! yay me :)  Since I already have a phone with Att they are selling me the one I want for 50 bucks, so we're taking the offer.

Uh......I don't think i've said this before but I am already planning Izarra's 1st birthday party! She's gonna be so old my poor baby! lol she's napping right now and I am supposed to be eating dinner but I don't find myself very hungry. So about Izarra's birthday party, I'll be making the invites again and I'm so excited for her! Hopefully everyone will show up to her 1ST BIRTHDAY PARTY! lol mom says im planning a little too early but I don't think so. Her birthday isn't until July but STILL!! So yep, thats all folks!

PS> I miss GUS! =[

My 420

So it's Monday and I  had a tiring day as im sure I wasn't the only one. Today Frank had his orientation and had to get up wayy early. So I got up when he did to say bye and I thought to myself "Yess now I get to sleep til' noon!" Unfortunately Izarra didn't think do. She woke up at 7am and I thought it was fricking noon cuz the sun was out so bright that my dark curtains couldn't keep the light out. So anyways I get up in a rush because I had an appointment today at the dR's and WIC and I was all thinking that I was gonna be late to them cuz I woke up late. So I rush to make Izarra her bottle and then rush to the bathroom to wake myself up a bit more. So I wash my face/brushed teeth and combed my hair, not to mention do my make up. Anywhoo when I got out of the bathroom I look up to the clock and see that its only 7AM!! I was like "WTF" so I layed back down, but not to sleep because Izarra wanted to play. 

So since Frank was gone all day and Izarra had me all to herself she took advantage! lol by the time Frank came home to pick us up to go to our appointments I was tired. We played everything I can think of and she ate every hour or so and only took like a 30 minute nap. She's quite the energizer bunny! So today was hot and i had a fun/crazy day. I did miss Frank though. At the moment he and Izarra are both napping. Soon I'll have to wake him up so we can go shopping for some things that are needed. Uh......Oh yea so Frank has an awesome job now and now we can actually save money and move into our own place. Its so exciting but scary, but I can't wait! Oh yea, Soon I'll be getting a new cell phone again. Nothing wrong with my old one, but Frank wants me to get a new one! YaY! So Thoughtfull! :) Yep, so thats all for today!